08-21-2014, 08:21 AM
The vernacular sounds conflicted. ("Curling tendrils" + "janglin'") so the poem ends up feeling artificial.
I'm very neutral about the first stanza. You've described smoke rising in a bar. That's how 90 percent of every jazz bar poem description starts.
I really don't like that janglin' is abbreviation. Why not just jangling?
Some nice writing again in the second stanza, but that too ultimately feels hollow. Based on the tired images, I'm still not sure you've ever been to this type of bar.
I become interested in this poem with the phrase "twirls on bare feet" --- finally something unusual!
Because I don't really buy the poem's build up or the descriptions (most of the time at least), ending on "this is pure unadulterated heat" doesn't come off nearly as strong as it could.
I'm very neutral about the first stanza. You've described smoke rising in a bar. That's how 90 percent of every jazz bar poem description starts.
I really don't like that janglin' is abbreviation. Why not just jangling?
Some nice writing again in the second stanza, but that too ultimately feels hollow. Based on the tired images, I'm still not sure you've ever been to this type of bar.
I become interested in this poem with the phrase "twirls on bare feet" --- finally something unusual!
Because I don't really buy the poem's build up or the descriptions (most of the time at least), ending on "this is pure unadulterated heat" doesn't come off nearly as strong as it could.