Beast of burden (edit)
#3
(08-20-2014, 04:31 AM)tectak Wrote:  
(08-11-2014, 07:10 AM)Keith Wrote:  Hot sweet tea
to normalise your afternoon,
a small piece,
a treat
to tremble crumbs for sparrows
wrapping blankets. There are spaces between what you are thinking and what you are writing (or think you are writing) in this stanza, Keith. It is easier for you to fill in the missing words than it is for me. I think that "piece" and "treat" should be interchanged. That's how bad it is . Then sparrows wrapping blankets?Smile
I won't be caught,
cold is a differential
measured between hands,
that push me in Good. Very good. The whole vignette works...then it doesn't. The next two lines lose me.
before the light waters down
and your sighs become visible.

I glance beyond familiar,
pulling my strange cargo
driving you to an older age
a torn out page, by page. Quite bizarre structure. It is as if you are succumbing to medication. Words missing...familiar is an adjective not a noun...unless you are a confirmed Witch.
Spit polish your shoes
switch on the sign,
leave behind the yoke.
I will wilt quiet tonight Quietly.Why not quietly? What point?
ready to take your guilt
and the flowers from your dress.
Odd for you. Why? Am I missing something. If yes, I am not alone...or rather I am. This is languishing.
Best,
tectak
Thank you Tectak all your comments are helpful, too much in my head and not on the page I will try and fill in the blanks. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Messages In This Thread
Beast of burden (edit) - by Keith - 08-11-2014, 07:10 AM
RE: Beast of burden - by tectak - 08-20-2014, 04:31 AM
RE: Beast of burden - by Keith - 08-21-2014, 05:55 AM



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