08-21-2014, 05:03 AM
I could feel the discomfort of this date > . <
I like how you start the poem, the simile feels really authentic to a kinda stunted conversation you'd have on a first date. Squeeze is good because of the effort, and dried toothpaste has so many unpleasant connotations with the smell/texture.
The OCD in me wants the second stanza to be three lines, especially since the lines in that stanza are already longer then your other lines. Really Stanza two is the weakest stanza for me. I'd almost suggest cutting it but I do think its worthwhile to expand on the occasion a bit b4 stanza three. " I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes." seems too simply stated, against the metaphors/similes in the poem.
I think stanza three has a great image with the steak, I imagine a medium rare steak with the red liquid filling around the indentation of a knife slicing into it. There is a lot of tension in that stanza. Maybe its a bit ambiguous idk??? I think of it has either she is cutting into the narrator, meaning, that she is asking a more personal or invasive question, and that makes them uncomfortable. Or its not that specific and she has just said something that somehow hurts the narrator.
But yeah,,, its a relatable poem, and you get a lot of feelings across while maintaining brevity. Thnx for sharing.
I like how you start the poem, the simile feels really authentic to a kinda stunted conversation you'd have on a first date. Squeeze is good because of the effort, and dried toothpaste has so many unpleasant connotations with the smell/texture.
The OCD in me wants the second stanza to be three lines, especially since the lines in that stanza are already longer then your other lines. Really Stanza two is the weakest stanza for me. I'd almost suggest cutting it but I do think its worthwhile to expand on the occasion a bit b4 stanza three. " I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes." seems too simply stated, against the metaphors/similes in the poem.
I think stanza three has a great image with the steak, I imagine a medium rare steak with the red liquid filling around the indentation of a knife slicing into it. There is a lot of tension in that stanza. Maybe its a bit ambiguous idk??? I think of it has either she is cutting into the narrator, meaning, that she is asking a more personal or invasive question, and that makes them uncomfortable. Or its not that specific and she has just said something that somehow hurts the narrator.
But yeah,,, its a relatable poem, and you get a lot of feelings across while maintaining brevity. Thnx for sharing.