Life's labyrinth

[billy]

much better and thanks for the layout of the edit. (older versions. )

it's getting there and it's great you're sticking with it,
a suggestion would be to flesh it out just a little two or three lines more maybe, inserted throughout the poem. half of my comments are just nits and easy to fix.

well done so far

First poem in post is the latest revision. I'm posting older versions for perspective.

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current version

I awoke one day without warning,no need really for [one day], it's an out an out given that you woke one day. lots of good W's going on
within labyrinth walls-- stretching beyond measure. i think a comma would work better than [--] would a word such as [sight] or another word work better than [measure]
Among timeless trees I crept,
dodging python roots in thickets dripping in darkness, a suggestion would be [and] instead of the first[in] and [with] instead of the 2nd [in] i really do like the ambivalence this line creates creates.

Eyelids forgotten, I groped the mossy walls;
they were my eyes. can you better show the image, is the wall made of your eyes.

With dusty limbs and paranoid visions my journey met its end.
Surrendered,
at the foot of an oak, the universe enveloped me.

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(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness
dodging roots that wrap round ankles like pythons.
Blindfolded neglected eyelids,
fears fed fire; time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew
of my labour's scope and end,
like weeds unchecked.
Immobilized in thought,
I found myself surrendered,
resting at the foot of an oak;
I pondered the years, story and quest,
the uncertainty of existence,
futility of resistance,
familiarity of death.

---

(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable, roots wrap round ankles like pythons.
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness,
Unblinking, eyelids lacking purpose,
As time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew like weeds unchecked,
Of my direction and purpose,
Immobilized in thought I found myself surrendered,
Under this wise old oak.

I sat meekly twiddling my thumbs,
Pondering the years, story and quest,
The uncertainty of existence,
And the futility of resistance.