Bumblebee Boy

[aerickson]

Thank you for your comments, I will try and clean it up.

My sister and I are hoping to publish a number of children's bug poems as boardbooks. She is illustrating and I am writing. I would LOVE some good editing for these poems. Here is the first one for now:

Bumblebee Boy

Bumblebee boy was a cute little fellow,
all dressed up in yellow and black.
He loved to buzz around and play
and leave empty his pollen sack.

Bumblebee boy admired the flowers
and the flowers loved to see him.
They'd bend in the wind and shake all their petals
when he'd happily land on their rim.

Now Bumblebee boy was a talkative fellow
and he'd gossip with all the flowers,
they'd chat about the state of the pollen,
or wonder about those May showers.

On one such warm and beautiful evening
when Bumblebee boy was visiting,
he suddenly realized the others had gone,
and the sky was busy darkening.

Bumblebee boys can't fly in the dark,
they only fly in the light.
So he turned and asked the beautiful tulip,
'may I stay with you tonight?'

In answer the tulip folded her petals
and gently closed him in;
she kept his little fat body warm
until the warm sun rose again.

And as the sun rose over the flowers,
he listened to the old Daisy.
She said, 'you may play, but you also must work
now get up, and don't be lazy!'

So Bumblebee boy, a cute little fellow,
all dressed up in yellow and black,
buzzed happily 'round with his fat little belly
and filled up his pollen sack.

Neverminding the content, as it is a children's poem, which is difficult in its own right, and the poem is vivid and engaging, I think some attention to meter is in order. You are not far from an anapest/dactyl ballad with acceptable subs in much of the poem. The lines that trip me up the most are 3 and 4 with all the two syllable feet slowing the thing way down, and the last line of S3, as May feels too prominent to demote.