[EDIT 3.56] To brighten the flame

[billy]

for me (as i've come to learn from others on the site0 that first line is major in holding the readers attention, at present it doesn't, it's too wordy and has some word choice issues
first off lets break the bugger of a line down:


Finding myself walking along alone with the sand
why are you finding yourself are you lost?
myself and alone are pretty much the same thing
at present the only thing solid is the sand and even that is a common word.
can it be added to or altered with a modifier?

a suggestion to get you thinking about creating an image of what at present you're just telling.
solitary steps form small puddles on the beach

and the second line which is where the reader will probably decide to read on or move onto another poem:

envious of light's fade into the embracing horizon
at present it reads awkwardly
I envy the fading light that seeps over the dim horizon

the two lines together read as;

solitary steps form shallow puddles on the beach
I envy the fading light that seeps over the dim horizon

you could start with [our steps ] or my [steps]
the next line could be [we envy]

depending on whose there. you have a hundred ways to show the image

make a coupe of words on a line start with the same letter, make some have a similar sound at beginning or end of the words, vary it so some times the consonants sound the same and on the next line make the vowels sound the same. (take a look in the class room forum near the bottom of the page.

even in serious i'm think go a step or a few steps at a time. the thing with taking advice is that if you do, you can always change your mind afterwards. good look with the editing

Thank you for moving this, Milo, and thanks for the read aj, I agree with many of your points. I knew, for example, that "lights fade" sounded awkward but nothing else seemed to stick, ill have to think on it.