[EDIT 3.56] To brighten the flame

[billy]

good edit Q, still a little more to do i think but you're definitely getting there.

I was inspired by Bena's post in the "new members" forum in the topic "How bright the flame".

Edit 1

Walking together alone with the sand together alone spoils the starting line and that's arguably the most important line you have. you also say with the stand as though the sand is walking with you? a suggestion would [on] or [in the sand]
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender; only that they never start, you have flames in the refrain,a suggestion would be to use a simile
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Twilights without warmth or shelter -
void of glowing embers gilded in rapture,
remain a nightmare of all men still walking;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
warming us to the notion of lustful wanting,
before hiding away while the lonely huddle at dusk;
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind flowing waves,
the fading light steals my vision of your intent,
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint;
Yet I hope we brighten the flame before it's dark.



I had also considered

"Yet I hope we brighten the flame even in the dark." a suggestion would be [to raise the flame before it's dark]

As the last line, but it just didnt sound right imo.





Original

Walking along together alone with the sand
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender only that they never start,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

A twilight without warmth or shelter
lacking flickering fluttering light for protection
Is a haunting nightmare of all men still walking,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur
Warming us to the notion of lustful wanting;
too often leaving frigid failure while falling at dusk,
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind the crash of waves.
The fading light steals my vision of your intent.
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint,
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.