Another Untitled Poem

[ellajam]

Hi, aj, about titles. I suck at them but reading here makes it so clear how important they are. What I've been doing is just coming up with the best I can think of then changing it with the edits as something better comes to mind. Give it a try, it's just another skill to be developed. Here are some notes.

*I enjoyed writing this today and hope you enjoy reading it. All criticism is welcome.

Something about these long smokeless nights
without your head resting on my chest. If you're going to tell me what that something is, do you need this line?

The cold side of a naked pillow having doubts, I like how the unused pillow is cold, not sure you need naked.
birds conversing in rumbling treetops while time derails. I'm having a hard time hearing why treetops are rumbling, is it windy? Not sure what this line adds.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my ideas are mere remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were. While these lines are blunt, they appeal to me, you may not need "my ideas are mere".

A war is being waged, pervading in the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo, Meh on the angels and demons, cliche, but the tidy limbo is interesting.

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light, Pure? Useless to me.
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls. This puts me there, but I think "magnified sounds of" could be cut or replaced with something that indicates how it makes you feel.

I could sprawl out on layers of dallying cirrus clouds dallying is too much for me.
and compare you to the moon for a living. This is a funny line, I like it, though easier said than done.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my spilling brain
exploring new ways to say ” I love you “ without saying it. I like the cruel trick, but the rest is a bit bulky.

On the whole I find the piece overly descriptive, I think you could pick and choose the fine bits and piece them into something unique. Good luck with it, and name it.