08-07-2014, 09:51 PM
Hi, crow, enjoyed it. I'm not sure that the nonsense lines really add anything. They keep a smiling going, but the poem itself does that, it already has a nonsense quality to it while it actually makes sense, I'd like to hear how it sounds moving right along without the nonsense breaks.
If you're keeping "He was perfectly fine." the addition of "I mean nice" would work in print as well, it did stop me in the read. The dropped "back" doesn't work as well in print as in voice, maybe you could stretch it, baaaaack.
I don't really get what the capitalized lines add, and I'd prefer Snow White's ants up on her line with the rest of them.
Just a few thoughts, fun piece though it does make me itch a bit, I've got nothing against an occasional roaming ant, but in my bed or pants? Nah, same way I'd rather not go back to the stench of olde. Better clean up.
If you're keeping "He was perfectly fine." the addition of "I mean nice" would work in print as well, it did stop me in the read. The dropped "back" doesn't work as well in print as in voice, maybe you could stretch it, baaaaack.
I don't really get what the capitalized lines add, and I'd prefer Snow White's ants up on her line with the rest of them.
Just a few thoughts, fun piece though it does make me itch a bit, I've got nothing against an occasional roaming ant, but in my bed or pants? Nah, same way I'd rather not go back to the stench of olde. Better clean up.
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