Mayday

[ChristopherSea]

billy/mercedes/ella edit 1

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny rouge berries. I think that rogue is an improvement over blue, but to me "tiny" breaks up the flow of this stanza. Everything is kinda smooth and flowing but tiny is sharp and halting

It's flame is in the bellies of fireflies,
smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is secreted I agree with Mercedes about secreted. To me, this means your imagination is flowing and "working". This is the first time in the poem for me that the poem really clarifies its purpose, but i think the imagination should be blocked up or shrouded, not virtually oozing out of you. Expecially since the speaker knows where it went, as described in the poem
beneath the pond’s algal cloak
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need nice shift

one berry of a chance, what? I just don't get it
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of view
and reach.

Thank you for your time and comments QDS. Before posting, I initially had minute for tiny. I may go back to it. Secreted has more than one meaning. Here I am using: to deposit or conceal in a hiding place. Nonetheless, I shall re-examine it's use. What you may not be getting is that...

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow

...are all references the three stanzas above it, i.e., collectively they are a plead for the spark or the germ of inspiration for the words needed to hang onto a lover that the narrator fears losing.

Much obliged for your read and critique./Chris

---

[quote='billy' pid='171268' dateline='1407401147']
a good edit. i'm undecided which fireflies line i prefer but it reads a lot better with the changes made.

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='159425' dateline='1406901709']
billy/mercedes/ella edit 1

Mayday

My voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny rouge berries. i do prefer rouge

It's flame is in the bellies of fireflies,
smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination is secreted
beneath the pond’s algal cloak [it's better]
quiescent with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance, i wouldn't worry to much about the berry
a single bioluminescent photon
or musing minnow
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;never noticed it but i like the feminine night in [she] and [eve]
almost out of view taking out the [my] polishes this stanza up no end.
and reach.

-------------------------------------------------
Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall,
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries.

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need

one berry of a chance,
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines.

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view
and reach.

Thank you billy for the follow up. I'll stick with berry then. I may revert to the original firefly line. Cheers/Chris

---

---

billy/mercedes/ella/QDS edit 2 is posted. This is getting close, I think.