08-07-2014, 08:08 AM
hi tectak,
this is exceedingly clever and well thought out. stanza two is a fave (and so is Davies...) and wrapping it all up with Thomas is perfect.
if i had one thing to critique (well maybe not so much critique as comment on), it would be the rhymes in stanza 3, lines 1 & 3:
I wish that I could say a prayer
in praise of God who gave the brush
to colour in our living layer
in brindled, dappled, freckled flush…
but Hopkins said it all.
i pronounce prayer as one (albeit very long) syllable and as /pre(ə)r/
while layer is two syllables and /ˈlāər/
this is due to my terrible American English, most likely, but it's how i read it and i keep stumbling over it,
as it's affecting the meter. it's such a minor point though and i hate even bringing it up because i'm so fond of the poem overall.
anywho, i very much enjoyed this and i like that you pull from several eras
(Georgian, Victorian, modern/romantic/neo-romantic/however-you-want-to-classify-Thomas)...it really does make for a well-rounded read.
this is exceedingly clever and well thought out. stanza two is a fave (and so is Davies...) and wrapping it all up with Thomas is perfect.
if i had one thing to critique (well maybe not so much critique as comment on), it would be the rhymes in stanza 3, lines 1 & 3:
I wish that I could say a prayer
in praise of God who gave the brush
to colour in our living layer
in brindled, dappled, freckled flush…
but Hopkins said it all.
i pronounce prayer as one (albeit very long) syllable and as /pre(ə)r/
while layer is two syllables and /ˈlāər/
this is due to my terrible American English, most likely, but it's how i read it and i keep stumbling over it,
as it's affecting the meter. it's such a minor point though and i hate even bringing it up because i'm so fond of the poem overall.
anywho, i very much enjoyed this and i like that you pull from several eras
(Georgian, Victorian, modern/romantic/neo-romantic/however-you-want-to-classify-Thomas)...it really does make for a well-rounded read.