Fair Deal (True Love in the House edit)

[ellajam]

Edit 1 (true, keith)

Someday I'll trade the vacuum for
a dusty house that's calm, at least
I'll gag its irritating roar.
I'd rather cook a full-blown feast,
my kitchen humming in my head:
the hissing pan for meat or crepe,
the soothing squeak of dough for bread
against the board, the beater's scrape.

Alone I clear each meal's debris
and scrub the porcelain sink, again
the dinner cleanup's left to me;
I guess I really can't complain.
He vacuums carpets, washes clothes,
two gifts more dear than gem or rose.



ella, I liked this one from this year’s NaPM. I see you are well into your edit.

Some minor things I noticed in my read were that:

‘I’ll gag’ sounds like you and not the vacuum. Perhaps something ‘snuff’ or ‘quench’ would work better.

Do you need that ‘and’ in line two of stanza two? It adds an extra syllable. However, I am pronouncing por-ce-lain as three syllables.

Also, are those chores really ‘more dear’ or ‘as dear.’

See what you think. It’s an adorable poem./Chris

Thanks for the reading and commenting, Chris.

Yes, gag may be a poor choice.

The "and" actually is for meter, I'm saying
and scrub the porcelain sink, again.
Maybe you should try it with a Brooklyn accent, we drop syllables all over.
I believe you are correct on porcelain, seems I've indulged in a bit of poet's wishful thinking. The "and" is filler I shouldn't have used to start with. I'll try to clean it up.

I'll hold on the last line, the women I know readily admit it's the best gift ever. *happy girl smiley*