Smolder

[billy]

leave the original up and mark each new edit as a newer edit, this way people can see how the edit has progressed :J:

some good original lines. (the big red line and the tongue ring one as well)
i struggled a bit in the latter part of the poem but it would'nt take much to make it more readable. it's also good to see you and others doing edits.

thanks for the read.

Smoldering Logs


She shoved him down into a foldable chair
and began to kiss him impatiently. [began] isn't needed, and it could be [kissed].

The taste of Big Red mixed with Virginia Slim
reminded him of the first time
he wanted his love to mirror a petering bonfire; bonfire feels too big for me but i do like what you're aiming for with the metaphor
momentary, illuminating and slight.

The midst of midnight affection, good alliteration a suggestion would be to start with [in]
her tongue ring thriving like a silver totem,
grounding him in his boots, ensuring a non-dream; the first part works well enough the 2nd part feels too out there
an extinguishing slip into the present.

Brittle black logs smolder through the night.
In the morning, there is nothing, i like the couplet, it's like an image of calm after the fire/sex

there is nothing. not sure this works well enough to keep