[EDIT 3.56] To brighten the flame

[billy]

it reas like a well thought out poem, the refrain is solid and can be tweaked in each stanza to make each refrain unique, yes, i guess it's a new oxymoron i think a little more punctuation would help but on the whole i saw little wrong with it apart from an odd nit.

I was inspired by Bena's post in the "new members" forum in the topic "How bright the flame".

Walking along together alone with the sand [together,] no need for along, it's a given and detracts form an otherwise good opening line.
our light gently lowering to meet the horizon.
It's not that flames surrender only that they never start, i think you need a semi colon after [surrender} as it's the first part of a two part line, (second clause) i think.
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.
i enjoyed the 1st stanza, the the feel of sunset and at this point the hope of something passionate.

A twilight without warmth or shelter
lacking flickering fluttering light for protection too many [ings] that need comma's a suggestion: lacks the flicker of fluttering light
Is a haunting nightmare of all men still walking, i'm taking this as [searching, in this case fore love]
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark. i like the refrain, it has just the right amount of ambiguity, a suggestion would be to use punctuation to slightly alter it in each stanza.

The sun is such a perverted provocateur nice [p's] great line, there's nothing like sex under a warm sun...unless it's anywhere else
Warming us to the notion of lustful wanting; i was so worried i'd missread the earlier part of the poem but i didn't, it shows the ambiguity isn't to much
too often leaving frigid failure while falling at dusk, for me the [f's] are one too many in this instance.
Yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.

Our walk slows as the sun sets behind the crash of waves.
The fading light steals my vision of your intent.
I'm left to fumble with my steel trying to find your flint, on it's own this is a mediocre line, but as a follow up to the refrain it's really good. we know the poems about an end of day leg-over so the simile is almost perfect for the next line.
yet I hope to brighten the flame before it's dark.