08-05-2014, 11:51 AM
hi there. i will echo some of the previous commentary and say that i too like that very last stanza. it's really where the poem begins and ends for me...
that said, this feels like two different poems to me, or at least two different writing sessions smashed together. the first two thirds are compelling but seem to be a lot of phrasings strung together in a manner that lacks cohesion, and frankly, they don't match the poetics of that final stanza.
the first section seems angrier to me and wants to be yelled from the stage, while the finale of the poem is quieter, softer, more thoughtful, and ultimately strong enough to carry itself, or at least be the start of something really beautiful. i would extract it and let it shine, clean up the wordiness and errant punctuation of the first two thirds if you want to salvage that, and post each separately.
just some suggestions to use or lose. my advice sells for zero on the world market
that said, this feels like two different poems to me, or at least two different writing sessions smashed together. the first two thirds are compelling but seem to be a lot of phrasings strung together in a manner that lacks cohesion, and frankly, they don't match the poetics of that final stanza.
the first section seems angrier to me and wants to be yelled from the stage, while the finale of the poem is quieter, softer, more thoughtful, and ultimately strong enough to carry itself, or at least be the start of something really beautiful. i would extract it and let it shine, clean up the wordiness and errant punctuation of the first two thirds if you want to salvage that, and post each separately.
just some suggestions to use or lose. my advice sells for zero on the world market