Mayday

[billy]

while we,re grateful for all feedback, this isn't suitable feedback for the serious crit forum unless you have a serious number of posts under your belt/admin

I love this actually. It has a whimsical quality to it that gives a kind of lie to the scientific words you used at times

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part from a few small nits I found the narration of the poem to be wistful and full of wonderment. i can't remember reading a better poem from you, most of the lines carry a spark of nature that isn,t cliche. you have improved enormously since joining the forum

thanks for the read.

Mayday

This voice takes refuge at nightfall, what voice?
mute in the dimness under the yews,
spirited away in tiny blue berries beautiful opening lines that connect well to the title

It's flame is concealed in the abdomens
of fireflies, smoldering with luciferase,
hovering above dew on the rye.

My imagination's secreted in a pond
beneath an algae cape, inside a cache cache feels like a wrong word choice and for me [inside a cache] detracts from the line
with timid fish among the reeds.

I need


one berry of a chance for me, berry spoils the poem enough to suggest a change
a single bioluminescent photon
or minnow’s musing
to nibble at my trolling lines. three more almost beautiful lines,

Necessity begs illumination
to clarify this tarnished eve,
for she is slowly graying;
almost out of my view is [my]a given?
and reach.