03-30-2010, 02:55 PM
I only have two comments, and one already mentioned by Billy 
. Otherwise, I think it's superb.
Yeah, for me, staring isn't a gesture, unless you make it explicitly clear that it's mutual/participatory. It's something you do 'at' a person, not 'to'.
The last two lines... "was as far... as daybreak." I know you mentioned somewhere in the poem that this takes place at twilight (maybe?), but try to make that idea more prominent so we as readers do indeed understand that daybreak is far away.
But all in all I love this one JD.
. Otherwise, I think it's superb.Yeah, for me, staring isn't a gesture, unless you make it explicitly clear that it's mutual/participatory. It's something you do 'at' a person, not 'to'.
The last two lines... "was as far... as daybreak." I know you mentioned somewhere in the poem that this takes place at twilight (maybe?), but try to make that idea more prominent so we as readers do indeed understand that daybreak is far away.
But all in all I love this one JD.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?