08-02-2014, 05:01 PM
catface,
Shouldn't it be cat faced?
As I've already missed the boat on this one...
Should I say the nice things first? OK, this has a nice cadence/rhythm to it, and the rhyme gives it energy.
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A lot of your metaphors/similes are just senseless. That's probably already been covered, but..
"like whispers soft on the wings of a moth" uh?
"I pull your bones apart to make home in your heart" You have some problem with indirect articles.
"I pull your bones apart to make "a" home in your heart"
"bathing in your hissing and your twisting and the way you keep insisting" How does one bath in twisting and insisting?
"my teeth on your shoulder, over and over." "crimson and clover, over and over" yep, heard it already. Between Tommy James and you I'll go with Tommy. At least his has some sense to it, yours is just a forced rhyme.
"I devour the prolific VerySpecific expression you render fine" I don't think that is possible, plus this makes no sense. How does one "devour the prolific?" or "expression you render fine"
fine-jawline forced rhyme.
"the way you burn my skin off with your eyes" Incredibly awkward. At least change it to:
"the way you burn my skin with your eyes" I think off is implied. Still a cliche, but a non-awkward cliche.
"surgically dissecting my disguise" I thought they were burning your skin off?
"dyed in hues of green and blue" what? uh? Your insides are blue and green?
As this is mild critique I'll stop there. Sorry but if meaning were gold, you probably wouldn't have enough to buy a cup of coffee. As I said it has a nice rhythm about it, and there are only a few places where it gets awkward. I would suspect this would go over well if read aloud. If read with the intent of finding meaning, or making sense, well, you know....
Welcome to the site,
Dale
Shouldn't it be cat faced?
As I've already missed the boat on this one...
Should I say the nice things first? OK, this has a nice cadence/rhythm to it, and the rhyme gives it energy.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
A lot of your metaphors/similes are just senseless. That's probably already been covered, but..
"like whispers soft on the wings of a moth" uh?
"I pull your bones apart to make home in your heart" You have some problem with indirect articles.
"I pull your bones apart to make "a" home in your heart"
"bathing in your hissing and your twisting and the way you keep insisting" How does one bath in twisting and insisting?
"my teeth on your shoulder, over and over." "crimson and clover, over and over" yep, heard it already. Between Tommy James and you I'll go with Tommy. At least his has some sense to it, yours is just a forced rhyme.
"I devour the prolific VerySpecific expression you render fine" I don't think that is possible, plus this makes no sense. How does one "devour the prolific?" or "expression you render fine"
fine-jawline forced rhyme.
"the way you burn my skin off with your eyes" Incredibly awkward. At least change it to:
"the way you burn my skin with your eyes" I think off is implied. Still a cliche, but a non-awkward cliche.
"surgically dissecting my disguise" I thought they were burning your skin off?
"dyed in hues of green and blue" what? uh? Your insides are blue and green?
As this is mild critique I'll stop there. Sorry but if meaning were gold, you probably wouldn't have enough to buy a cup of coffee. As I said it has a nice rhythm about it, and there are only a few places where it gets awkward. I would suspect this would go over well if read aloud. If read with the intent of finding meaning, or making sense, well, you know....
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.