08-02-2014, 01:13 PM
TE, I agree with you, I was thinking of going to en dash for something like "waiting", and many of the rest are not parenthetical, just something I wanted to emphasize.
Thanks
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Wjames, thanks for your comments and your thoughts. Stuff this long and longer is my normal mode. I generally try not to post my longer poems too often. People get too drained if you have to read long poetry all the time, and people will quite giving feedback because they are3 burned out. Thanks again.
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AJ, Yeah I have to agree with you that it ends a little weak, although I have no clue at the moment what I could use to strengthen that. As far as cutting stuff, I don't know how to do that with this (although I am not opposed to it) as it kind of piles on top of each other. Sometimes I'll think, I can remove this, and then I read what is around it and realize I can't. This is sort like a weave, and although you might want to remove a particular part of the weave because it is ugly, but doing so causes the whole thing to fall apart. However I will check the section you referenced and see if there is something I can change.
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bellajam,
As i said to AJ, I know there are things that need to be changed, but I don't really know how to do it here. So any specific suggestions would be welcome.
mwah baby
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PB,
"It sounds like there is a lot of effort and desire in achieving what is desired, one would have to imagine."
there are eras through time that rise to the surface and pop like bubbles. This particular bubble is the "Looking out for #1", which is proceeded by the "looking for mister Goodbar" era. That is hedonism followed by pure self-centeredness and so on. Some things in this are used ironically, such as the Billy Joel song "we didn't start the fire".
Anyway, thanks for taking your time to read this and comment on it. Welcome to the site,
Dale
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Thanks
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Wjames, thanks for your comments and your thoughts. Stuff this long and longer is my normal mode. I generally try not to post my longer poems too often. People get too drained if you have to read long poetry all the time, and people will quite giving feedback because they are3 burned out. Thanks again.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
AJ, Yeah I have to agree with you that it ends a little weak, although I have no clue at the moment what I could use to strengthen that. As far as cutting stuff, I don't know how to do that with this (although I am not opposed to it) as it kind of piles on top of each other. Sometimes I'll think, I can remove this, and then I read what is around it and realize I can't. This is sort like a weave, and although you might want to remove a particular part of the weave because it is ugly, but doing so causes the whole thing to fall apart. However I will check the section you referenced and see if there is something I can change.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
bellajam,
As i said to AJ, I know there are things that need to be changed, but I don't really know how to do it here. So any specific suggestions would be welcome.
mwah baby
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
PB,
"It sounds like there is a lot of effort and desire in achieving what is desired, one would have to imagine."
there are eras through time that rise to the surface and pop like bubbles. This particular bubble is the "Looking out for #1", which is proceeded by the "looking for mister Goodbar" era. That is hedonism followed by pure self-centeredness and so on. Some things in this are used ironically, such as the Billy Joel song "we didn't start the fire".
Anyway, thanks for taking your time to read this and comment on it. Welcome to the site,
Dale
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How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.