08-01-2014, 04:25 PM
Hi dale,
I don't have a prob with this one being long - either a poem grabs my attention in the first stanz or I am bored and wonder off...short or long.
Your first stanza hooked me. I started off thinking WTF dale has gone all cliche on me but then by the time I had digested what the mousy blond represented I was locked into the read.
In some places you nearly lost me with overdoing it. I think you could trim out a couple of the lines. In particular the bigger closet stanza lost my interest. imo you could loose quite a lot from there, but perhaps this is just showing my ignorance... whereas the rest of the poem i thought spoke across the divide...but I like the Dobbie bit and the dream-sickle cell bohemian line - so might as well say it's a keeper.
This reads like the B side of a life cover where the A side would be called "Get your PC on" and the B side is "Life is like a box of recycled trash" availible as a boxed set and neatly filed on a shelf alphabetically under L for life lite.
I like this but the only thing was I wanted to find more punch in the conclusion.
thanks for the read
AJ.
I don't have a prob with this one being long - either a poem grabs my attention in the first stanz or I am bored and wonder off...short or long.
Your first stanza hooked me. I started off thinking WTF dale has gone all cliche on me but then by the time I had digested what the mousy blond represented I was locked into the read.
In some places you nearly lost me with overdoing it. I think you could trim out a couple of the lines. In particular the bigger closet stanza lost my interest. imo you could loose quite a lot from there, but perhaps this is just showing my ignorance... whereas the rest of the poem i thought spoke across the divide...but I like the Dobbie bit and the dream-sickle cell bohemian line - so might as well say it's a keeper.
This reads like the B side of a life cover where the A side would be called "Get your PC on" and the B side is "Life is like a box of recycled trash" availible as a boxed set and neatly filed on a shelf alphabetically under L for life lite.
I like this but the only thing was I wanted to find more punch in the conclusion.
thanks for the read
AJ.