a really like this piece, i see some problems with it but it has the makings of a good poem. i like the ambiguity of the penultimate stanza as it could be the women or the parrot.
thanks for the read.
thanks for the read.
(08-01-2014, 12:11 AM)poe Wrote: A golden cage I keep, can this be reworded so it doesn't seem like yoda speak? a suggestion would be [i keep a gilded cage] or something along those lines.
for all rewards that harvests reap. [ i think it's harvest's though not a 100% sure)
And a thin sparkled swing for the parakeet. i have no idea why but i love this line, it's as though the parakeet is famous
Its hung beside the chandelier. it's
(Its really a lamp but its served the years.) it's and it's (two different contractions; [it is] and [it has])
The parakeet I found one day.
I wondered where it were meant to stay. a suggestion would be [where it should stay] or [where the thing should stay] or [where the bugger should stay] i think it would make it a bit tighter
I keep her in a golden cage. while i like the golden cage, it feels overused after the first or second time, a suggestion if you change one or two of them is to make sure you don't use gilded cage which really is a big cliche
The golden cage won't fly away.
We don't talk much, its not my skill.
I'd rather paint or find a hill. i like the dalliance of this couplet.
She does well it appears to me.
She savors crumpets but doesn't like tea.
I live just me with my windows wide a semi colon[;] a suggestion [after i live] remove [with] or [my]
That my love will see me and come to my side. feels a bit wordy, for me you could end with a stronger image.