07-31-2014, 09:58 AM
Paul,
"No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)"
Period should be after the parenthetical phrase.
I especially liked the lines:
"turquoise and blood- in high gloss"
and
"learned the drums in their femurs"
I also like the part about dances for the animals, that's fairly consistent with the people of North America.
There is a nice subtly to the clapping as the encroachment of the whites into the culture.
The hawk "circling devoutly", is a nice touch, as it reminds one of the importance of the circle, and also reminds us of the connection to the spirit world and the natural world.
I have little negative to say. I think I would find a better way to separate the two section than by using "***". I don't really see the need for it, or even anything really. It wouldn't even be a point except that you use so much white space, which could probably be cut down some.
Regardless, an enjoyable read.
Dale
"No one sings like that.
(not for a strictly human audience, anyway)"
Period should be after the parenthetical phrase.
I especially liked the lines:
"turquoise and blood- in high gloss"
and
"learned the drums in their femurs"
I also like the part about dances for the animals, that's fairly consistent with the people of North America.
There is a nice subtly to the clapping as the encroachment of the whites into the culture.
The hawk "circling devoutly", is a nice touch, as it reminds one of the importance of the circle, and also reminds us of the connection to the spirit world and the natural world.
I have little negative to say. I think I would find a better way to separate the two section than by using "***". I don't really see the need for it, or even anything really. It wouldn't even be a point except that you use so much white space, which could probably be cut down some.
Regardless, an enjoyable read.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.