You're Leaving Home

[billy]

not a lot wrong with this keith i say he in my feedback though it could as easily be a she. good take on preparing the child for the university leaving scenario of many parents.

Edit 1 Tiger Lion

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books, great opening, it sounds like your expecting him to jump or leave (metaphorically.) it also seems he left suddenly before you realized the fact.
pizza and a bedroom floor, i can't grasp the bedroom floor being scattered.
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years to grow your own beard. would an [and] add something to the line, i usually advise brevity but i think the cut to this line to abrupt.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe flicked pout
to a landing spot,
maybe a tower block tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever it want's to be.
You still have the key. great ending. and it carries a confidence that he'll return the better person.

Original
I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.