07-23-2014, 10:38 PM
I'm not so sure about the line - Like a lady you'd not gaze
I still agree with Tectak- How is not gazing associated with ladies?
you said - I wanted to represent the moon as a demure lady that was too shy to watch the lover's wholly but too thrilled by the act to look away completely -- I get that imagery but i feel it could apply to any shy person, or even child.
You've stated it as a characteristic of a lady - so it reads a bit 1950's, get with the times style to me
Like a lady who'd not gaze - maybe?
It does have nice rhythm and simple rhyming that works
I still agree with Tectak- How is not gazing associated with ladies?
you said - I wanted to represent the moon as a demure lady that was too shy to watch the lover's wholly but too thrilled by the act to look away completely -- I get that imagery but i feel it could apply to any shy person, or even child.
You've stated it as a characteristic of a lady - so it reads a bit 1950's, get with the times style to me
Like a lady who'd not gaze - maybe?
It does have nice rhythm and simple rhyming that works