07-23-2014, 08:02 PM
first things first,
please give feedback in the three main poetry forums, we're a workshop and we expect everyone to be fair as far as feedback goes.
the poem reads okay though it does need an edit. beware of cliche. try and use original phrase.
please give feedback in the three main poetry forums, we're a workshop and we expect everyone to be fair as far as feedback goes.
the poem reads okay though it does need an edit. beware of cliche. try and use original phrase.
(07-13-2014, 12:15 AM)escher Wrote: Plots
A small patch of grass offers refuge
to the worn out soles of feet no need for [the] it's also cliche; worn out feet is something that's been said in every house in world.
that walk on concrete paths.
No one noticed as they passed,
orderly and manicured, to fit in a suggest into here and the removal of [the] on the next line.
the plots within suburban streets. i really like the enjambment of this line, it also has a subversive feel to it
Meanwhile, a small patch nearby small patch twice in a short poem when it's not a refrain doesn't add anything to the poem can another phrase be used. is [meanwhile] really needed?
adorns a plaque that reads,
"In memory of a life once lived"