Plots

[escher]

Thanks for taking the time to give feedback guys, much appreciated. I see what everyone means about the second stanza... My intention is to create a mood and provide some images, sort of like an instillation or painting, and allow some space for the reader to interpret, or even project onto it. I am experimenting with words and phrases that can have more than one meaning - using ambiguity as a tool - but not too ambiguous that it comes across as jibberish word play or confusion - that is not my intention... anyways still refining and sitting with it to see how it works best.

It has been brought to my attention that some parts are "too spacious/confusing" and i agree, so ill try being a bit more direct

and yes, punctuation would help hehe - im just starting to getting the hang of proper structuring

"Orderly and manicured"
refers to the passers by, and how they reflect the orderly and manicured streets that they live on and lives that they live. ive tried saying it a different way - maybe it works a bit better?

No one noticed as they passed,
orderly and manicured, to fit in
the plots within suburban streets

i tried ending on "to fit" as to emphasize the action of "fitting in" to society as well as the plots they live their lives by -

Ive changed it a bit, and looking forward to feedback

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Im still not sure what to do with the last stanza :/ The reason ive used quotation marks is to make it evident that i am quoting off the plaque. maybe there is a better way to highlight that last line as i want it to stand sort of away from the rest of the lines.

(I'm just staying away from "meanwhile" for the meantime ill come back to it - but im thinking something on the lines of

Nearby, another small patch
adorns a plaque that reads
In memory of a life once lived.

Over all im hoping to show a bit of irony in the imagery - my intention is to make that (the irony) the statement and purpose of the poem.

cheers everyone