We Remember

[tectak]

By Brian Johns
10-21-06

I know its rather long, so many feelings went into penning this.

It was a drunk driver
You were out with your friends
He crossed the center line
This is where your life ends
We’ll never know
The things you would have done
You were still in college
Almost twenty-one

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might This is weak, replace with a more concrete image.
Our phone rang
At a quarter past four
I couldn’t believe
What I was hearing
I nearly fell to the floor
The tears flow down
As we put you in the ground
On this cold winter day something else besides cold would work better here. Something more descriptive.
Nothing will ever be the same
It is all such a shame

We remember
It was a drunk driver
That made us lay you to rest I think you can just delete the first 3 lines of this stanza...since its just senseless repetition.
You exist only in our hearts now
Forever you will always be the best This sounds extremely weak. Change it.
They planted a Maple tree I agree with billy. This is the center image of your poem. I didn't even read billy's reply before reading your poem, and I came to the exact conclusion he did.
In your memory
They built a memorial in the park
Your candle is out now
Forever to be dark

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who started us down this path
It’s really terrible
If you do the math
No more birthdays
Or holidays with your laugh
No more hugs or kisses
You’ll never get married
Or have any children
You were such a
“one in a million”
Sometimes we see you
While driving down the highway
I thought I saw you in the mall
When I turned to look again
There was no one at all
Sometimes we hear your voices
We try to follow the sound
Then we realize
There is no one around

We remember
It was a drunk driver I guess you really like this repetition. I personally am not feeling it.
Who took your life from us
How can we ever forgive him
Would someone please tell me
Why your life had to end
It wasn’t your fault
He shouldn’t have been over there
Obviously, he really didn’t care
We’ll forever remember you
So young and pretty
At only twenty
You had already touched so many
With an infectious smile
And a contagious giggle
Even though
You were so little

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who ruined the day
Life is so unfair
Why did you
Have to go this way
We will never forget
How you came along
Just that you
Are like a bird without a song
You will always be with us
Like the mountains and the sea
Always in our hearts
Locked without a key

Hi, taking everything in to account I would have to agree with the previous crits but looking only at the poem, I would delete everything except for the maple tree stanza...and I am not sure about that.
Side Note. You have got this out of your system but ruined any poetic intent by declaring it veracious. Now it is difficult to crit impartially, but not impossible. The last verse is just total cliche and is the sort of stuff that newspapers compile for obituaries-on-demand.
I really would like to see you write something else.
Best,
tectak