We Remember

[billy]

hi brian.

the poem feels forced in places and i knew what was going to be written before i saw and generally the rhymes were also expected.

Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might

the other thing that hit me was a lack of depth or emotion, and that each verse was pretty much the same as the proceeding one; try and make each verse point out a different aspect of the poem.

finally, look out for words/phrases verse that say very little or are phrases that have been use many times before by other poets, erase them
or rephrase them in the form of an image/simile/metaphor that carries more depth emotion etc.

thanks for the read.

By Brian Johns
10-21-06

I know its rather long, so many feelings went into penning this.

It was a drunk driver
You were out with your friends
He crossed the center line
This is where your life ends
We’ll never know
The things you would have done
You were still in college
Almost twenty-one

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who killed you that night
His truck hit you
With all its might
Our phone rang
At a quarter past four
I couldn’t believe
What I was hearing
I nearly fell to the floor
The tears flow down
As we put you in the ground
On this cold winter day
Nothing will ever be the same
It is all such a shame

We remember
It was a drunk driver
That made us lay you to rest
You exist only in our hearts now
Forever you will always be the best
They planted a Maple tree this is the first line that really says something solid, use this image to generate more and center the poem around those.
In your memory
They built a memorial in the park
Your candle is out now
Forever to be dark

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who started us down this path
It’s really terrible
If you do the math
No more birthdays
Or holidays with your laugh
No more hugs or kisses
You’ll never get married
Or have any children
You were such a
“one in a million”
Sometimes we see you
While driving down the highway
I thought I saw you in the mall
When I turned to look again
There was no one at all
Sometimes we hear your voices
We try to follow the sound
Then we realize
There is no one around

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who took your life from us
How can we ever forgive him
Would someone please tell me
Why your life had to end
It wasn’t your fault
He shouldn’t have been over there
Obviously, he really didn’t care
We’ll forever remember you
So young and pretty
At only twenty
You had already touched so many
With an infectious smile
And a contagious giggle
Even though
You were so little

We remember
It was a drunk driver
Who ruined the day
Life is so unfair
Why did you
Have to go this way
We will never forget
How you came along
Just that you
Are like a bird without a song
You will always be with us
Like the mountains and the sea
Always in our hearts
Locked without a key