07-21-2014, 02:35 AM
It has been my experience when I write about painful experiences my initial writings a are very raw and I tend to gush. The good part is that I'm getting my thoughts out on paper, but often when I go back and reflect I realize because I'm a rhymer that I often don't develop my ideas enough, but instead settle for something that allows the rhyme to work. I think that might be the case here. There is so much beautiful, raw honesty here, but it feels underdeveloped. Maybe revisit it a section at a time and give yourself the opportunity to see if the words want to take you in a different direction of expressing that same idea.
I find the first stanza is very strong. The second stanza is a battle between wanting to get your ideas out and trying to maintain the rhyme. It kind of loses its flow. Each following stanza is similar. There are strong ideas woven throughout, but the corresponding rhymes need to carry the same gravity in expression. For example...(It was a drunk driver that made us lay you to rest You exist now only in our hearts. Forever you will always be the best) The last line weakens the previous because of it's predictability. Just sit with this some more it's really precious.
I find the first stanza is very strong. The second stanza is a battle between wanting to get your ideas out and trying to maintain the rhyme. It kind of loses its flow. Each following stanza is similar. There are strong ideas woven throughout, but the corresponding rhymes need to carry the same gravity in expression. For example...(It was a drunk driver that made us lay you to rest You exist now only in our hearts. Forever you will always be the best) The last line weakens the previous because of it's predictability. Just sit with this some more it's really precious.