07-18-2014, 12:35 PM
Paul,
I can go with it until "a buck's worth of sugar". To me it seems a bit of hyperbole that does nothing for the poem, and makes the reading awkward. It was easier to just re-write this than explain the reason. I'm not saying it should be this way, more as it something to compare and contrast with. I only go to this trouble because I think it is a neat idea. It is only the presentation that suffers some.
There's history between me
and this dented Coke machine.
Sometime last summer,
dry mouthed and hungover
in 103 degree heat,
I kicked it in the ribs
for gypping me
until it coughed
up a buck's worth
of caramel and caffeine.
Anyway, I know this is in miscellaneous forum, and one doesn't generally give a critique, per se, but this one seemed to want one, and who am I to argue with a poem.
dale the tinkerer
I can go with it until "a buck's worth of sugar". To me it seems a bit of hyperbole that does nothing for the poem, and makes the reading awkward. It was easier to just re-write this than explain the reason. I'm not saying it should be this way, more as it something to compare and contrast with. I only go to this trouble because I think it is a neat idea. It is only the presentation that suffers some.
There's history between me
and this dented Coke machine.
Sometime last summer,
dry mouthed and hungover
in 103 degree heat,
I kicked it in the ribs
for gypping me
until it coughed
up a buck's worth
of caramel and caffeine.
Anyway, I know this is in miscellaneous forum, and one doesn't generally give a critique, per se, but this one seemed to want one, and who am I to argue with a poem.
dale the tinkerer
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.