Plots

[tectak]

thanks for you feedback i see what you mean with the word meanwhile.... i did want to paint the image that these two patches of grass were simultaneously there... or in the present, so to speak, and the ironic contrast between them. i guess poignantly or incongruously is what i directly mean... but is that taking away from the experience - being so straight forward? interested to know what anyone thinks?

Also thanks for the tip on refuge... i guess that means more like shelter or safety... i mean to say something like rest

Im trying to show the contrast between the ordered and social life where everyone is too busy/in their head, to sit and enjoy the little patch of nature we have in urban settings. I thought, how ironic that there is a little patch of nature somewhere (graveyard) that speaks of a life once lived... only once and maybe lived?. sit and enjoy the grass don't wait till your dead to rest in peace... etc

Does that message come across? its hard to tell if the meaning is clearly portrayed when you already know the meaning behind it...

Hi,
the meaning was not lost...it is surprising, though, how often obscuration and ambiguity is explained away post post, if you see what I mean, by the writer, once the piece is queried as to meaning. One has to ask why it was not written clearly in the first place....I mean we're not at war and sending messages in Navaho.
Re. your "refuge". If you want to mean "rest" a good word is "rest" I would use "respite" but it is your poem.
The "meanwhile" thing is more difficult. The expression "in the meantime" and "meanwhile" are often used fungibly...but they are subtly different commodities. You more accurately, you now say, want to indicate simultaneity...that the two exist together in time. If you say "meanwhile" you imply that two passages of time overlap by happy but deliberate circumstance. As in:
"Stir the soup then allow to cool to room temperature. Meanwhile, mix the cream and egg yolks together..."
Implication of a passage of time for one element...the cooling period...is made simultaneous with the passage of time for another element, the mixing process. That is not what you want to say but you can see how "in the meantime" could be substituted for "meanwhile". The difference is subtle..."in the meantime" indicates a holding position. As in:
"We are prepared to accept that changes are necessary, but in the meantime we will make do as best we can." In other words, there is a default "follow on", changes will come (but not yet) rather than a simultaneity...when one ends, the other will commence.
So...maybe you need another word to indicate two simultaneous occurences brought about by a permanent existence. In simple terms..."at the same time". You find the word
Best,
tectak