Mechanized Man (Edit #1)

[gernseeker]

So where are we? Well, I believe we are at the beginning...not the end. It is worth workshopping BUT you will tie yourself in knots with lofty aspirations of juggling with anapests, trochees, dactyls and spondees... to mix metaphors. Get the thing to make complete unmistakable sense, read it out loud to your dustbin man, find a man in a pub, tell it to a traffic warden....observe reactions....or just record yourself reading it and feel proud. Once posted here, I am sorry, but we will try to improve it
Best,
tectak

re: offering critique: I completely understand tec. I would expect nothing less from the community. If improvement isn't the goal then posting here would be some combination of vanity and masochism - odd bedfellows.

Let me address some of your comments right now, upon waking, before diving in again today.

The "we" *is* a worry. After the first version I thought creating some distance from the MM for the reader would lighten the mood and give room for considering MM's actions. Quickly, rewrote with "him/he's" we get the following - which may be workable too -

Mechanized Man (he instead of you - no other changes, 'cept the deleted question mark - meant for comparison with "you" version")

***
Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see him scheme to move time fast.
But worse, as slow months crawl he sadly beg’s AAAARRRGGGGHHHH! begs!
to know these wasted years won’t be his last period

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes Try.." Body spent and tight-wound mind refutes...
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. Lose "that". "death is a new life won."
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. Hmmm
***

I'll have to think about it - might be better there.

As for the second stanza - I disagree! I don't see life as a race like MM does, but instead a series of moments that beauty (and misery, and wonder and...) can be found in. What's more, depending upon how you choose to receive/perceive each moment, you can find as many as you choose to find.

Thus the quality of life is not (for me) measured by the number of years and accomplishments ticked of the list during that time, but instead by the immeasurable wonder I experience by living fully every moment. I think if I were zen student I might call this "being always present" - not looking forward or backwards.

re cherish...I see your point completely. The word may require a different structure.

As for the meaning of the third quatrain - see above.

I agree that the lines lose meaning when they stand alone - but Is that not inevitable? To be fair I didn't intend lines 9 and 11 to contain in themselves any great meaning as they are both part of enjambments with 10 and 12 respectively.

And again, here the wiser man "cherishs" (up for discussion) each breath, even each little death (exhalation) begins the cycle of life anew for him. Put simply, he finds joy even in breathing. Further, in lines 11-12 he finds that even split seconds show their beauty (shine) when discovered (undone). The wiser man is delighting in his own existence, the act of breathing, the moments even between breaths, the act of living, and he's finding great joy where the MM only finds tedium and wishes the moments to pass as quickly as possible.

As for the couplet...let me think about that. I *did* run downhill to it, but not every poem is sprung from the head spontaneously, fully formed and armed for battle like Athena! Of course this worked is pieced together.

OK - back to work - that he/you issue is now choking me.

THANK YOU tec! (and all)

Is that the Royal We?