Mechanized Man (Edit #1)

[tectak]

OK - it's not there yet but here's the latest.
I've actually reworked the first quatrain to get a nice progressing structure of "each day", "slow month" and "wasted years" which I now like.

I've made a couple cosmetic substitutions, and I've added an anapest to open line 8. It gives me 11 syllables for the line of course but now is more readable and still flows nicely I think.

I've added a question mark to the end of line 4 - which I feel works.

Last line fixed.

Last biggee, I hope, is to somehow rework line 2 to include running anapests or dactyls at the end to give the line the speed that is spoken of. I'm 100% open to suggestions. Otherwise, as it sits, it's *ironic* I suppose, a line speaking of speed but moving slowly with a fifth foot spondee, but I'd rather something approximating the rapidly ratcheting of first version.

All comments have been really appreciated and considered, without exception.

Here is Edit #3



Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see you scheme to move time fast. A we worry. Who are we? Are we us? Difficult, this, because you put the reader into the writer's mindset without permission. I do not like ittyness but " ..it grieves to see you...." just gets out of the problem, returning the thinking to where "it" belongs
But worse, as slow months crawl you sadly beg
to know these wasted years won’t be your last? You only begged the question You didn't ask...so no question mark

Your body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You sleep, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: your life’s a race, you fell behind. I don't entirely see this. What is the lie? Surely,life IS a race and you pointedly imply that the "you" fell behind. Wot lie?

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how Though I like this in its entirety I am struck by the clumsiness of structure. Challenge. Make a sentence indicating how to cherish.Does your's fill the requirement? To cherish how breath delights is not clear. Yes? To cherish the thought/memory of how breath delights, maybe.
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. As I said, it sounds better in its entirety than in its parts. Once this line is examined in strong light I find the sense evaporates under the heat of scrutiny.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone Again, and I am sorry, but the words no longer mesmerise me. What does it MEAN?

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot, How does one count his singular lot? This is my lot...one...oh, no more lots...so it's one then. Now, look, I am doing my job,here. OK
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. As a conclusion, it is inconclusive. I get the feeling you ran downhill to get here. Sonnet sucker

So where are we? Well, I believe we are at the beginning...not the end. It is worth workshopping BUT you will tie yourself in knots with lofty aspirations of juggling with anapests, trochees, dactyls and spondees... to mix metaphors. Get the thing to make complete unmistakable sense, read it out loud to your dustbin man, find a man in a pub, tell it to a traffic warden....observe reactions....or just record yourself reading it and feel proud. Once posted here, I am sorry, but we will try to improve it
Best,
tectak

re: offering critique: I completely understand tec. I would expect nothing less from the community. If improvement isn't the goal then posting here would be some combination of vanity and masochism - odd bedfellows.

Let me address some of your comments right now, upon waking, before diving in again today.

The "we" *is* a worry. After the first version I thought creating some distance from the MM for the reader would lighten the mood and give room for considering MM's actions. Quickly, rewrote with "him/he's" we get the following - which may be workable too -

Mechanized Man (he instead of you - no other changes, 'cept the deleted question mark - meant for comparison with "you" version")

***
Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see him scheme to move time fast.
But worse, as slow months crawl he sadly beg’s AAAARRRGGGGHHHH! begs!
to know these wasted years won’t be his last period

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes Try.." Body spent and tight-wound mind refutes...
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. Lose "that". "death is a new life won."
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. Hmmm
***

I'll have to think about it - might be better there.

As for the second stanza - I disagree! I don't see life as a race like MM does, but instead a series of moments that beauty (and misery, and wonder and...) can be found in. What's more, depending upon how you choose to receive/perceive each moment, you can find as many as you choose to find.

Thus the quality of life is not (for me) measured by the number of years and accomplishments ticked of the list during that time, but instead by the immeasurable wonder I experience by living fully every moment. I think if I were zen student I might call this "being always present" - not looking forward or backwards.

re cherish...I see your point completely. The word may require a different structure.

As for the meaning of the third quatrain - see above.

I agree that the lines lose meaning when they stand alone - but Is that not inevitable? To be fair I didn't intend lines 9 and 11 to contain in themselves any great meaning as they are both part of enjambments with 10 and 12 respectively.

And again, here the wiser man "cherishs" (up for discussion) each breath, even each little death (exhalation) begins the cycle of life anew for him. Put simply, he finds joy even in breathing. Further, in lines 11-12 he finds that even split seconds show their beauty (shine) when discovered (undone). The wiser man is delighting in his own existence, the act of breathing, the moments even between breaths, the act of living, and he's finding great joy where the MM only finds tedium and wishes the moments to pass as quickly as possible.

As for the couplet...let me think about that. I *did* run downhill to it, but not every poem is sprung from the head spontaneously, fully formed and armed for battle like Athena! Of course this worked is pieced together.

OK - back to work - that he/you issue is now choking me.

THANK YOU tec! (and all)