Mechanized Man (Edit #1)

[gernseeker]

Well, I'm glad you at least have a good grasp of several directions you can take with this, and thankful that the good sonneteers have shown up to give advice. At least you have lots to think about. And we'll still be here when you get out =)

Don't you get any time online to restricted sites in jail? Seems like they would let you get on for things to improve yourself as a person, but then, in benaville there is only idealism.

In case I don't get to talk to you soon, good luck to you and write lots. If rules are the same here, I think they will let you use felt tipped pens.

bena

Thanks bena - no internet but felt tipped pens and pencils even. 3 1/3 minimum affords plenty of time to write. The problem is, of course, finding quality critique.

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Edit 5(ish)

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs
will cheat, he sets his watch five minutes fast
to make slow months crawl quickly but still begs
to know these hurried years won’t be his last.

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will treasure how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not.



tec I'm ok with "lot" - it can mean allotment and the allotment is plainly of time within the context of the poem.

reworked first stanza - much simpler now.

Went with "treasure" instead of "cherish". I considered "measure" as well, but the wiser man is less about measuring and more about treasuring, I think.