84 Hours In Chicago

[ellajam]

I understand the last two stanzas, but the first seems to be about something else. There's a disconnect. There's information missing here that would clarify what the poem is about. What country? what do you mean death's ledge? Did they all die in gangs? what metal ripping flesh? I want more from this. I think it could be added to/further developed. Each stanza seems sudden and unrelated.

I love the rhyme of the last two lines.

Hey Cat

Thank you for responding & reading. I added a little info before the poem to help. "fell off death's ledge" means they were killed. "metal rippin' flesh" refers to the bullets hitting a person. So my point was that while the country was celebrating its independence, and yes, it was violent and many died, it was for a just cause (as many would argue) hence the line "but a country was born" However, the events in Chicago that weekend seem to be a result of that city's continuing problem with violence and shootings. Many attribute that to gangs and an increase in firearms there.

Hi KROD, welcome, and thank you for critiques on other member's work, it's appreciated.

I believe that what cat was asking for was not an introductory explanation to your poem, but for the poem itself to do the work of clarifying the points that disrupted her read.

As the 84 hours lands so beautifully at the end, if you want to clarify you might consider changing the title to Independence Day, Chicago, or something you think of more interesting than that.