Mechanized Man (Edit #1)

[tectak]

OK - it's not there yet but here's the latest.
I've actually reworked the first quatrain to get a nice progressing structure of "each day", "slow month" and "wasted years" which I now like.

I've made a couple cosmetic substitutions, and I've added an anapest to open line 8. It gives me 11 syllables for the line of course but now is more readable and still flows nicely I think.

I've added a question mark to the end of line 4 - which I feel works.

Last line fixed.

Last biggee, I hope, is to somehow rework line 2 to include running anapests or dactyls at the end to give the line the speed that is spoken of. I'm 100% open to suggestions. Otherwise, as it sits, it's *ironic* I suppose, a line speaking of speed but moving slowly with a fifth foot spondee, but I'd rather something approximating the rapidly ratcheting of first version.

All comments have been really appreciated and considered, without exception.

Here is Edit #3



Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see you scheme to move time fast. A we worry. Who are we? Are we us? Difficult, this, because you put the reader into the writer's mindset without permission. I do not like ittyness but " ..it grieves to see you...." just gets out of the problem, returning the thinking to where "it" belongs
But worse, as slow months crawl you sadly beg
to know these wasted years won’t be your last? You only begged the question You didn't ask...so no question mark

Your body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You sleep, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: your life’s a race, you fell behind. I don't entirely see this. What is the lie? Surely,life IS a race and you pointedly imply that the "you" fell behind. Wot lie?

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how Though I like this in its entirety I am struck by the clumsiness of structure. Challenge. Make a sentence indicating how to cherish.Does your's fill the requirement? To cherish how breath delights is not clear. Yes? To cherish the thought/memory of how breath delights, maybe.
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. As I said, it sounds better in its entirety than in its parts. Once this line is examined in strong light I find the sense evaporates under the heat of scrutiny.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone Again, and I am sorry, but the words no longer mesmerise me. What does it MEAN?

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot, How does one count his singular lot? This is my lot...one...oh, no more lots...so it's one then. Now, look, I am doing my job,here. OK
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. As a conclusion, it is inconclusive. I get the feeling you ran downhill to get here. Sonnet sucker

So where are we? Well, I believe we are at the beginning...not the end. It is worth workshopping BUT you will tie yourself in knots with lofty aspirations of juggling with anapests, trochees, dactyls and spondees... to mix metaphors. Get the thing to make complete unmistakable sense, read it out loud to your dustbin man, find a man in a pub, tell it to a traffic warden....observe reactions....or just record yourself reading it and feel proud. Once posted here, I am sorry, but we will try to improve it
Best,
tectak