07-15-2014, 05:07 PM
Dang, the above critic nailed it. I got really into it at first, but my brain stopped being interested somewhere in the first poem. The wordiness detracts from what you're trying to say, and it's a little clunky with all the alliteration. It feels forced. Alliteration needs flow to be effective consistently.
I like this: Dreams that are only dreamt by the dreary of death,
Death only dreamt when no dreams are left.
But yeah, I think you can weed through and de-word it a bit and really hone in on the concepts of death and transience and nihilism more clearly. I also think that you jump around a bit and try to cover too many concepts in one poem which gives your whole statement a much more unstable base.
But I see some really great stuff in here and I look forward to any edits you produce!
I like this: Dreams that are only dreamt by the dreary of death,
Death only dreamt when no dreams are left.
But yeah, I think you can weed through and de-word it a bit and really hone in on the concepts of death and transience and nihilism more clearly. I also think that you jump around a bit and try to cover too many concepts in one poem which gives your whole statement a much more unstable base.
But I see some really great stuff in here and I look forward to any edits you produce!