He visits gangs in the meadow - Edit 1

[KROD]

Edited version:

He visits gangs in the meadow.

From crumbling shelters
of bored youth,
the sigh of a certain train in the distance,
and shapes form on their closed eyelids.

In empty lots, They shout
and pound the earth,
They try to be heard.

Mischief under cold
summer lamp posts.
Cloud breaths rise-
alone again,
sickened in metal coffins.



Original:

The motor sighs in late quietude

Highway lights among
shadows

Under charcoal sky

and again the silence
a wing over the suburbs

Faces in abandoned cars

Enter the City
where the curtains close

//


He visits gangs in the meadow

From crumbling shelters
of bored youth
Sighs a certain train in the distance
& shapes form on their closed eyelids

Beneath a harvest
moon, They shout
and pound the earth
They try to be heard

Mischief under cold summer lampposts
Cloud breath rise
alone again
sicken in metal coffins

This captured my eye right away because of reference to gangs. The line "They try to be heard" was my favorite because some kids say they join gangs because no one cares or listens to them & also "from crumbling shelters" speaks to the poverty that many live in and turn to gangs as a way out ( not excusing it). I like the topic but I think, like me, you need better structure in your poem to help the reader sense and maybe internalize what it's about. I was confused by "sicken in metal coffins" My first thought was the morgue but didn't seem right.