07-15-2014, 05:13 AM
I almost hate to say it... but your new L2 has an extra syllable that mucks up the meter, and not in a good way 
L3 & 4 are better though, and L10 manages to get sound repetition, which works. The last line is much improved, with the pun on "watch". Great workshopping.
L3 & 4 are better though, and L10 manages to get sound repetition, which works. The last line is much improved, with the pun on "watch". Great workshopping.
It could be worse