He visits gangs in the meadow - Edit 1

[Alexearth]

I'm thinking you need that youth in there. Way too many things that could be alone again...the cloud breaths, lamp posts....etc. Why not

Cloud breaths rise;
youth is alone again,
sickened in metal coffins.

If you have too many dangling modifiers with no sure path back to what they modify, you leave the readers flapping in the wind trying to grasp onto nothingness. And the coffins being plural is a bit confusing, do you mean one youth? Several youths?

..m

You're right. But I have to think about it because adding "youth" makes less pretty.. and coffins is in plural because when I say "youth" I consider it being the social group, the gangs with its members.