Mechanized Man (Edit #1)

[gernseeker]

Hi there -- I'm just going to address the edit cold, but before I do, I must say that although you are in a difficult situation you're definitely among the right people here. We're a bunch of reprobates Hopefully you can stay active in the workshop while you're in... the workshop.

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s dead legs,
we pity you, who schemes to make time fast. -- two uses of "who" are a tiny bit monotonous -- my suggestion is "we pity you; you scheme to make time fast."
Worse, at day’s end you oddly dare to beg -- "oddly" is odd, but obviously not incorrect and I have no alternative at this time. It just stands out, although I get what you're trying to say.
of Fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight wound mind refutes -- tight-wound
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth -- ok, this is an inversion that just seems to be forced by leaving out words -- personally, I'm not keen on the idea that the form dictates your grammar, but if you like inversions then fine.
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
each breath delights, each breath’s a life begun. -- the repetition is a bit much
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now -- "then" strikes me as a filler word
divide – divided moments shine, undone. -- this repetition works, however, because of the slight meaning shift.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must envy the wise man: his clock ticks not. -- this line puts emphasis on "the", which is not ideal. Perhaps "is envious of he whose clock ticks not."

Your meter is mostly solid throughout and you do have a good sense of sound. The concept of the poem is good and your volta splits the poem distinctly into the two parts of a sonnet, which is always a pleasure to encounter.

A few little tweaks are all that are needed here.

OK - Edited and better I think. I made the second "breath" better, I hope. Fixed oddly - maybe. "day-end's"...hyphenated? Not "day's end's" surely?

I found a *much* better line 14 - allowed me to add another timepiece - with a double meaning no less!



(Edit #2)


Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we pity your scheming to make time move fast.
Worse, at day-end’s last beat you dare to beg
for fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight-wound mind refutes
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a life begun.
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the wiser man: his clock ticks not.