Mechanized Man (Edit #1)

[gernseeker]

Hi there -- I'm just going to address the edit cold, but before I do, I must say that although you are in a difficult situation you're definitely among the right people here. We're a bunch of reprobates Hopefully you can stay active in the workshop while you're in... the workshop.

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s dead legs,
we pity you, who schemes to make time fast. -- two uses of "who" are a tiny bit monotonous -- my suggestion is "we pity you; you scheme to make time fast."
Worse, at day’s end you oddly dare to beg -- "oddly" is odd, but obviously not incorrect and I have no alternative at this time. It just stands out, although I get what you're trying to say.
of Fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight wound mind refutes -- tight-wound
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth -- ok, this is an inversion that just seems to be forced by leaving out words -- personally, I'm not keen on the idea that the form dictates your grammar, but if you like inversions then fine.
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
each breath delights, each breath’s a life begun. -- the repetition is a bit much
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now -- "then" strikes me as a filler word
divide – divided moments shine, undone. -- this repetition works, however, because of the slight meaning shift.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must envy the wise man: his clock ticks not. -- this line puts emphasis on "the", which is not ideal. Perhaps "is envious of he whose clock ticks not."

Your meter is mostly solid throughout and you do have a good sense of sound. The concept of the poem is good and your volta splits the poem distinctly into the two parts of a sonnet, which is always a pleasure to encounter.

A few little tweaks are all that are needed here.

Leanne thanks!

I've got a fix for the "who" which gives me a now unexpected slow pacing for the second line - almost like time mocking the MM who is scheming to speed it along:

2 we pity your schemes to make time move fast


oddly *is* odd. I either like it or I'm not sure. the MM is crazy to try and rush through time and then have as much possible - so it is an "odd" request. Maybe "boldy"? not sure yet.

tight-wound is a appreciated.

Line 7 - yeah...I know...I'm still thinking about it too

Line 10 has been altered a little - remember the repetition, like the repetition of seconds, is conceptually meaningful here. How about this though:

Line 10 this breath delights, that breath's a life begun

This also accomplishes a nice balance with line 11 - this...that...then...now...

And in this case the "then", paired with "now", has much more meaning that a "then" in other contexts, I think, considering the topic.

The last line, although possibly needing a change, can't give up "his clock ticks not" which when spoken sounds like a ticking clock... Let me try to get the emphasis off of the "the" though - you're right it does niggle.

Also - unless its universally hated I want to change "dead" to "lead" in line 1.

I'll be back!