07-14-2014, 01:15 PM
I'm thinking you need that youth in there. Way too many things that could be alone again...the cloud breaths, lamp posts....etc. Why not
Cloud breaths rise;
youth is alone again,
sickened in metal coffins.
If you have too many dangling modifiers with no sure path back to what they modify, you leave the readers flapping in the wind trying to grasp onto nothingness. And the coffins being plural is a bit confusing, do you mean one youth? Several youths?
..m
Cloud breaths rise;
youth is alone again,
sickened in metal coffins.
If you have too many dangling modifiers with no sure path back to what they modify, you leave the readers flapping in the wind trying to grasp onto nothingness. And the coffins being plural is a bit confusing, do you mean one youth? Several youths?
..m