Mechanized Man

[ellajam]

Hi and welcome, thank you for the critiques you've given others.

So, life's a drag and then you die, relieved. It's a point of view.
As usual, the capitalization of every line makes for a more difficult read for me. What do you feel the poem gains from it? Here are some notes:

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s rote tasks
Invents grand schemes to rapidly ratchet his gears,
Then, spent, at day’s death, on weary knee asks
Of Fortune this: the luck to live long years.
While "rapidly ratchet" is lovely on the tongue, for me "rapidly" detracted from the line, and I'm not sure if ratchet is being used correctly. I'm not sure why someone so depressed prays for long life, it seems off to me.

His body rests but mind tight wound attends
A measured choice so stark: define my time
Or life’s by time defined. He wakes, pretends
This truth’s a lie. He’ll keep each beat in line.
Maybe "tight wound mind" might work better. I really like the next three lines.

Alarms are silenced quick. Today allows
Another chance, another pace to run,
Just split a second slowly now, and now
Divide; divided moments shine undone.
The first two lines don't seem to add much, but that may be because I can't figure out the next two. Time moves slowly when no opportunities are taken advantage of?

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
Envies the one now dead: His clock ticks not.

Hope this helps, welcome to the Pig Pen.