He visits gangs in the meadow - Edit 1

[Alexearth]

OK this is much improved but still needs some work. Here's my take on the revision:

From crumbling shelters
of bored youth,
the sigh of a certain train in the distance,
and shapes form on their closed eyelids. <>

In empty lots, They shout <>
and pound the earth,
They try to be heard.

Mischief under cold
summer lamp posts.
Cloud breaths rise;
alone again.
sickened in metal coffins. <
Marked improvement!
PS you may want to put "edit 1" in title so that people will check back to see the improvements/offer other suggestions.


Cheers!

mel.

Thanks Mel!

"Mischief under cold
summer lamp posts.
Cloud breaths rise;
alone again,
sickened in metal coffins. "

The "alone again" refers to the youth. I am having a hard time finding a good punctuation to say that "the youth is alone again, sickened in metal coffins" and at the same time, linking the cloud breaths to them, without changing or adding words...