Hope Behind the Wheel

[gernseeker]

Edited with suggestions from Trueengma and Todd-

You're melting fast, and I know what you weigh.
Reluctant, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, your flesh-display
of discontent in life or just with me.
I miss the man you were before your eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. You lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
to gently warm my womb. Away, you tossed
my trembling touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat- painted hide
is now just diluted memory; you used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
I'd pack my bags to head out on my own,
But I can't leave you struggling here alone.

There is a lot here! In general, I very much enjoyed reading the piece. I love meter and rhyme, and am baffled why the modern American poetic community shuns it. I've read the arguments...I disagree.

I particularly like your spondee "half closed" which, following "your eyes" slowed me down and painted the moment.

As for changes/comments:

The "Away, you tossed" inversion feels a little forced. Not sure what to suggest.

"warm my womb" sounds pretty but I'm not sure womb feels right in this poem. It took me out of the moment. Maybe something like

"And gently touched inside. ..." which gives you the "inside" rhyme with the previous "thighs" and is thus sexual but a little less explicit.

"Pack my bags" feel colloquial - without it the poem becomes more timeless - as poems about love often are (should be?)

Love the poem - keep writing!