Family Picnic

[Truerenigma]

Erthona, this is an interesting persona poem; it appears to be maybe a soldier or a member of court on a family outing at Jesus' crucifixion. It does a lot to show a time and culture when public ridiculing and murders where a common form of entertainment, as well as a way of making an example. As civilized as we in the western world would like to think we are now, I think some would say that there is plenty of contemporary relevance here in both the east and the west. The main issue I see here is some awkward phrasing. If this is an attempt to show another time, one must remember that they would not have been speaking English. I think it would be best to stick to modern English diction.

Blood on his hands.
Blood on his brow,

I have no idea why you chose to open with a fragment. The period stops me short rather pulling me into the poem, as you would normally want to do in the opening line.

where he wears a fake thorn crown;
another in a long line of saviors.

A dash or a colon would be better than a semi colon here; what follows the semicolon is not an independent clause.

Blood on feet where spike
has been pounded; feet that
never will again touch ground.

The omission of articles here is painful.

would he not heal his wounds
and come down, let his feet
walk upon the ground. Instead

There is a strange way of filling out lines occurring here. "Let his feet walk" as if his feet are dying to walk on the ground but he just won't let them--as if he were the agent in prevention, but the feet would be the agent in walking. Our feet don't walk us, we use our feet to walk. Also, is this a question? Suggestion:

Would he not heal his wounds, walk
upon the ground?

or simply:

would he not heal his wounds and walk?

The cry of another delusional idiot,
just like the hundreds, or
thousands before. Big with words,
big with dying, ultimately another
masochist with a martyr complex,
getting what he wants, if not what he deserves.
Another egoist, making a spectacle,
of his death, rather than quietly
hanging himself from a tree,
leaving a bag of silver to pay
for his burial expenses.
Now that is a honorable man.
Unlike this slob, who hasn’t one shekel to his name,
letting the state pick up all the expense.

The persona and the satire come through well here in tone. The only suggestion I have right now is to remove the comma after "spectacle".

I bring the family and we picnic
on bread, fish and wine, sitting
on a speared out blanket, it’s the best
entertainment in town. Pity
the one in the middle died so soon,
hardly before we had gotten sat down.

I like the use of bread, fish and wine. "hardly before we had gotten sat down" is about the strangest and most painful diction I have ever seen. The line break on "pity" is inspired, I think--a peek behind the mask.

My son ask me, why this happens,
I respond, ”Because they claim

Why the comma after me? And why "my son ask me"? I'm begging to think this was a rather quick draft.

I wonder which troublemaker
they will kill next week.
I hoped they do it upside down,
I’ve never seen a rock bleed.

I don't really get the upside down>rock bleed thing here, unless the two aren't really connected, and except that Jesus is symbolically "the Rock".

I don't know if this is meant to be a soldier or citizen, or a court member; if it is the latter I would suggest a longer, more royally pompous line.

Thanks for the poem.