07-11-2014, 12:27 AM
I don't think it's a bad poem, but I did get a bit lost in the middle when it goes into gaps and toxins and such. It may be trying to get a little too deep.
There are some strong lines, for instance "That invade our minds like they invade our boxes, Lying there on the surface, reflecting their sad faces." I thought this part was well written and created some strong imagery.
If it were me I'd add to the ending as well. Maybe along these lines (keep in mind I realize this doesn't rhyme):
While hot sun beach dwellers are all on vacation.
Worried they may have left the windows down
In their Mercedes.
I think something along these lines would show how petty the rich folks' problems are compared to the homeless. It may add another layer to the poem. But, it's your poem, so do what you wish. Best of luck.
There are some strong lines, for instance "That invade our minds like they invade our boxes, Lying there on the surface, reflecting their sad faces." I thought this part was well written and created some strong imagery.
If it were me I'd add to the ending as well. Maybe along these lines (keep in mind I realize this doesn't rhyme):
While hot sun beach dwellers are all on vacation.
Worried they may have left the windows down
In their Mercedes.
I think something along these lines would show how petty the rich folks' problems are compared to the homeless. It may add another layer to the poem. But, it's your poem, so do what you wish. Best of luck.