07-10-2014, 11:57 PM
I like the idea of this poem and think it's pretty well executed. Lines like: "detached people quiet;
around long dining table" and "terrible sights of deathless track homes" really stand out.
One thing that throws me off is the opening line states "A hum in the red sky" which hints at the idea of it being sunset. Later "front yards at day" is written, which threw off the vision I had in my head of it being sunset. I'd drop the "front yards at day" line. Don't think it's necessary.
Also, I really like Fogglethorpe's edit, especially for the ending. Splitting the last stanza into two makes it much stronger.
Again, I really like the poem. Hope you keep working on it. Best of luck.
around long dining table" and "terrible sights of deathless track homes" really stand out.
One thing that throws me off is the opening line states "A hum in the red sky" which hints at the idea of it being sunset. Later "front yards at day" is written, which threw off the vision I had in my head of it being sunset. I'd drop the "front yards at day" line. Don't think it's necessary.
Also, I really like Fogglethorpe's edit, especially for the ending. Splitting the last stanza into two makes it much stronger.
Again, I really like the poem. Hope you keep working on it. Best of luck.