07-10-2014, 02:51 AM
*Here's my first edit (I decided to use the first stanza as a poem of its own):
He visits gangs in the meadow.
From crumbling shelters
of bored youth,
the sigh of a certain train in the distance,
and shapes form on their closed eyelids.
In empty lots, They shout
and pound the earth,
They try to be heard.
Mischief under cold
summer lamp posts.
Cloud breaths rise;
alone again.
sickened in metal coffins.
* I'm not sure about the semi-colon after "rise". I wanted to link the breaths to people "alone again" but I don't know if it works here.
He visits gangs in the meadow.
From crumbling shelters
of bored youth,
the sigh of a certain train in the distance,
and shapes form on their closed eyelids.
In empty lots, They shout
and pound the earth,
They try to be heard.
Mischief under cold
summer lamp posts.
Cloud breaths rise;
alone again.
sickened in metal coffins.
* I'm not sure about the semi-colon after "rise". I wanted to link the breaths to people "alone again" but I don't know if it works here.